The café where I work closed almost an hour ago, but I’m still here. I sent the other person I was working with home when we were done cleaning, made up some excuse about waiting for a ride, and now I’m sitting in the office, feet kicked up on the desk, just taking a breather, and blogging on my netbook. It’s quiet here now.
(Roommies, this has nothing to do with you guys. I’ll be home soon 
)
So, you know how when you leave your computer on for too long without a reset, eventually the RAM gets bogged down with stray bits of memory and the computer starts to become increasingly slow? It chugs along, things take longer to load, and you hear that constant gear-churning that sounds like your computer is going to die any second, or is constipated, or both? Your computer just doesn’t have the space in its RAM to continue doing what you want it to do efficiently.
Well, that’s how my body and mind are feeling right about now. And just like a computer that has been left on for too long, my body needs a reset…a pussy reset.
…
Ok, I know what you’re thinking:
“Ugh! Brando WHY do you have to ruin a positive, possibly uplifting blog post with yet ANOTHER one of your childish and poorly-timed sexual references? And you don’t even HAVE a pussy to reset…unless that’s what you boys are calling it these days…”
Well, to you I say, this is my blog and I’ll pollute it with plenty of penis and pussy puns until you puke (alliteration, bitches). And no, I don’t ACTUALLY have a pussy, so to any future sexual partners who might be reading this, know that the quickest way to get kicked out of my bed is to refer to any part of my body with a name usually associated with a female body part. Boy-pussy, man-gina, va-genis, all of these are a no-go.
(Anyway, back on track.)
No, silly, I’m referring to the pussy in your mind.
Yeah, it gets that deep…
…that’s what she said.
Damnit! Focus Brando!
Although I hate it when anything on my body gets referred to as a pussy, I have nevertheless come to the realization that each and every one of us human beings possesses one deep inside. A psychological pussy. A mental muff. A cerebral cunt.
Really, I could go on all day with this.
And, every so often, you have to pay your mental punani some attention…or it could grow cobwebs.
I came to this realization one night while I was out getting maybe-plastered with my roommates @katieblogs (awesome) and @cdcbrian (follow him immediately, he LOVES twitter) in the gayborhood, and I was describing to them this overloaded RAM, bogged-down feeling I’ve been fighting off lately. And @cdcbrian, with all that sense of tact that he’s famous for, blurted out something along the lines of “Well, maybe you just need to get some DICK.”
Straight to the point, that one.
What then proceeded was a hilarious conversation about dick and sexual relief in which I coined the term “pussy reset.” Basically, when you experience the relief and change in perspective that comes from good sex after a long dry spell. Like restarting a computer, but with penis.
Feel free to wear the term out.
But, through all the joking around, I had to entertain the validity of his suggestion. I mean, as I write this it has been about 378 years since I’ve had sex, and even longer than that since I’ve had good sex. And, as any lover of sex will attest, good sex is particularly effective at alleviating certain tensions and mental stresses. Good sex after a long dry-spell can make you feel psychically lighter and more optimistic. Good sex changes perspectives. Don’t just take my word for it, studies have been done one this shit.
But the answer couldn’t just be physical sex. This pent-up feeling I’ve been fighting off stems from more than just an unsatisfied sex drive. Afterall, it’s not just pent up sexual frustration that I’m feeling, but a general lack of direction. As I described to my friends, I’m feeling pulled in so many different directions and being presented with so many different options as to where this new chapter of my life could go that I’m ultimately going nowhere. That’s a little more than good sex can handle (believe it or not).
But as I continued to think about my various issues over the following days, I couldn’t shake my roommate’s comment. I thought about calling my safe bet* just to get a taste of sweet sexual relief, but I knew that wouldn’t really solve the problem. I’d get some sweet sexual relief, possibly be a little more optimistic and upbeat for the next few days, but when that sex wore off I’d still be faced with the same issues I had before: bogged-down uncertainty.
And then the more that I thought about it, the more I realized my roommate was more on track than I originally gave him credit for. That relief that you get from good sex, I just had to find a way to apply it to my life situation. On my plate right now I have keeping up with my bills, the possibility of going back to school, new money-making opportunities, the various aspects of maintaining a social life, and a litany of other things. If I feel like I’m being pulled into too many different places, maybe I need to stop what I’m doing, just for a little bit. Try something drastically different.
Maybe not with actual sex, but much in the same way that you’re reinvigorated after breaking a long dry spell with a good screw, maybe I need to give my life and priorities a sudden jolt of something different in order to gain a new perspective and regain the sense of optimism about where my life is going. I need a mental pussy reset.
I’ve been chugging along with accomplishing my long list of short-term goals and assessing my long-term priorities, but I’m starting to feel that I may be losing sight of what I’m doing all this for. What the big picture is. I need give my goals and priorities a good fucking to remind myself of what I need to focus on, and maybe what I need to let fall by the wayside.
A week ago my boss asked me if I would be interested in occasionally rowing with her. I think I just might take her up on her offer.
