The Top 5 Things Straight Men Should Stop Labeling as “Gay”

Ok, I know – a popular stereotype for us gay men is that we generally take care of ourselves to a degree that most straight men would associate with women. A lot of us trim, cut, pluck, shave, scrub, comb, brush and relax within an inch of our lives, all for the sake of looking good.

(Of course, not all gay men are like this, but again, popular stereotype.)

Straight men like to refer to these behaviors when other men do them as gay or, my personal favorite, metrosexual, which of course is just the more PC way to blatantly call someone a flaming fag. That is, typical straight men are just as unlikely to indulge in behaviors that are labeled as “metrosexual” as they are in things labeled “gay.”

(Of course, not all straight men are like this, but again, popular stereotype.)

This post is inspired by a conversation I had with a straight co-worker who, when he noticed me applying moisturizer to my hands, yelled out “You moisturize? I thought only women moisturized!” in bug-eyed disbelief.

My response was a doe-eyed look and a confused-sounding, “but but…dry skin is gender neutral…why wouldn’t guys moisturize?”

“Men don’t moisturize. We don’t have to,” was his reply. This left me confused for the remainder of the day.

Why don’t men have to moisturize? Despite popular belief I’m a man, and I have to moisturize. If I don’t moisturize my skin will turn into a dry, dull, ashy shadow of its usually perfectly glowy and soft self. Do straight men not do it because, in this male dominated world, perfectly healthy skin is not needed to attract desired females? And clearly, I could tell by the way he was looking at me as I continued to apply lotion to my hands, he was storing that very lotion away in his mind as reason #567,909 why Brandon is gayer than Christmas.

And I couldn’t find the sense in it, and it goes beyond moisturizing. There are so many things that are stereotypically labeled as gay by straight men for no good reason other than they don’t want to do it. Things that, if they embraced them, would not only enrich their lives and appearances, but increase their chances of getting laid by exactly 45.8 percent.

That’s science, folks.

So, in an effort to do my part in contributing to the betterment of the world, I took it upon myself to compose a list of the top 5 things straight men should stop labeling as gay.

1) Moisturizing: because dry skin looks bad…on everyone.
Of course, this would be the very first thing. Now, I understand that I come from a somewhat biased position. As a black person, dry, ashy skin is a little more visible against our ebony complexions. So because of this, moisturizing isn’t quite as taboo for black people, or anyone with dark-toned skin where dry skin is a more visible issue. That said, several fair-skinned guys I have spoken to decry moisturizing as a pointless, expensive habit. They also say that since lotion is made up of unnatural chemicals not produced by your body, you don’t need it.

Well, guess what? Deodorant is also made up of unnatural chemicals. Are you going to walk around smelling like a locker room after training camp?

Don’t answer that question.

The truth is, dry skin keeps your skin soft, healthy-looking and, in a lot of cases, protects you from the outside elements. And you know what? That chick you’re checking out at the bar? What’s the first thing she’s going to notice about you? Hint: not your bank account.

That right: your skin. So keep it moist and smooth-looking. Or do you want her to subconsciously think of vaginal rug burns at the mention of sex?

2) Trimming: not all treasures should be hidden in a dark forest.

Along with moisturizing, trimming should also be standard amongst my straight brethren. And I’m not just talking about quick trim of the old mustache or sideburns.

I’m talking about taking the occasional weed whacker to that mass of fuzz surrounding your junk.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s necessary for a guy to shave it all off (I don’t know about you, but I personally don’t like feeling like I’m doing naughty things to a prepubescent boy), but the occasional trim with a pair of scissors goes a long way.

Here, let me put it to you another way:  have you ever had pasta florentine with shrimp? One of my favorite dishes – the delicate sauce, the pasta cooked perfectly al dente, the succulent shrimp – there’s nothing not to love about it…except for when certain people prepare the shrimp without removing the shells. And do you know why that’s annoying? Because instead of being able to enjoy forkful after uninterrupted forkful of this delicious dish, every so often I have to pause, pick at the shrimp with my fingers and remove the sticky shells. There is no classy way to do this.  And occasionally I’ll miss a bit of shell, and it’ll end up caught between my teeth.

Gents, your dick’s the pasta florentine, and your messy pubes are the shelled shrimp. When not kept under control, your pubes take what could (and should) be an enjoyable oral experience and make it unnecessarily messy. No girl likes getting pieces of shell caught between her teeth and the same goes for your man-forest.

Don’t let the sight of your junk make a girl wonder if she remembered to put floss in her purse. Trim that shit, yo.

3) Gay Bars: not just a haven for penis.

This one rings a little personal for me, because I have been in the position, more than once, where I’ve invited good straight male friends to come out to a gay club with me, only to get this response: “Dude, that’s a little too much for me.”

Guys, you are seriously missing out. I mean, the opportunities here should be dead obvious. Most gay guys have friendships that are composed of a) other gay guys, and B) straight girls. When we go out to gay bars, we don’t go alone; we bring those other gay guys and straight girls.

So follow along, you have a club full of straight females drinking, and watching us beautiful gay men dance and hump each other inappropriately while immersed in a bright but tastefully done lighting concept. The girls are getting slightly aroused by all the guy-on-guy impropriety, but aren’t getting any action because we’re all gay.  You get that? It’s a smorgasbord of aroused females. What a perfect opportunity for you, the straight man, the swoop onto the scene with your straight and perfectly accessible penis.

Maybe this is a secret I shouldn’t have given away. But I’m surprised more straight men haven’t caught on to this one yet.

4) Modest Farting: because farting in public stopped being cool in middle school, and even then it was questionable.

Picture this scenario, because it’s happened more than once. I’m in a room full of my (mostly) straight friends. Without warning, I excuse myself to the restroom only to come back less than a minute later.

“Dude, what was that about?” one of my friends would say, noticing I wasn’t gone long enough to have done one of the three things men usually excuse themselves to go to the restroom to do.

(Not going into detail on what that third thing is…)

I usually respond with a cryptic, “I…uh…had to take care of something.”

Without missing a beat, because I’m known for this, my friend understands, “did you just leave the room to fart?”

“So what if I did?”

“Dude, just let it rip!” and without warning I’m greeted with laughter and a symphony of farts that usually sends me running from the room and looking for the number to a local hazmat squad.

Guys, everything about farting in public is gross. The sound, the smell, the way you laugh at it like it’s something to be proud of. Look, I understand that it’s a normal function of the human body and nothing to be ashamed of, but that doesn’t mean anyone wants to then sit in a room that smells like a bowl of egg salad that’s been left out in the sun too long.

Guys, you have an opportunity to impress the ladies by being the only guy in your group that doesn’t smell like ass. Seize it.

5) Bitch Drinks: because liquor is just a whole lot classier.

I get it guys: you like beer. You know what? Every full moon or so even I enjoy beer.  But there’s no need to label classy cocktails as “bitch drinks.” I may be the minority opinion on this well, but cocktails beat beer for the following reasons:

a)      It can be mixed into a wider variety of flavors.

b)      A cocktail can go from being “I’ll need six of these to feel buzzed” weak, to “I can drink one of these before I’m  trying to make out with the doorman” strong.

c)       They come in pretty glasses. Hell, that matters!

Yeah, you might not look as masculine holding a cocktail glass full of a pastel-colored liquid that’s got fruit floating on top of it as you would holding a frothy pint glass, but there’s no harm in switching it up a bit. Show a girl you can be impulsive by ordering something sweet and rum-based. Show her you’re capable of trying new things by ordering something that’s got the word “breeze” in the name.

Show a girl you’re thoughtful by ordering something that will reassure her that you won’t be a mess of farts and belching by the time she’s tipsy enough to consider taking you home.

Yeah, beer does that to you.

To the ladies and gays out there, got anything that you think straight men should quit labeling as gay?