My years-long affair with singledom seems to be the topic of a lot of conversation these days.

I mean, I’m used to the occasional, “OMG Brandon! You’re so smart, talented, beautiful, pure, integral to the survival of the human race against unseen alien threats – how in the hell is a catch such as yourself single!? If a beauty amongst beauties like you can’t get a man then there’s clearly no hope for me! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!! *suicide*”

My usual response is to accept the compliment with grace as I gingerly step over the body.

But lately there haven’t been any suicides.

As time passes, I’m finding that the question of my singlehood seems to be posed with less casual interest and is veering more into the realm of genuine concern.

“No seriously, Brandon, why the fuck are you still single?”

I guess at this point it is a genuine concern to some. Not that anybody with a brain puts a time limit on how long you’re allowed to be single before you’re certifiably unlovable, but I suppose when an emotionally available guy in his 20s with a generally healthy body image goes almost four years without even a casual relationship, people naturally start to wonder if he’s maybe a little bit frigid.

Or psycho…that might be a possibility.

Then there’s the tried and true your-standards-are-ridiculously-high-Mr. Perfect-doesn’t-exist-you’re-gonna-die-alone-moron rationale. And this is one theory that I’d never really considered until a few days ago, when while at a Qdoba a friend decided it was the perfect time to explore my lack of man love.

(Maybe it was the beef burrito my lips were wrapped around.)

He asked me the question that I’d answered for the umpteenth time that week, “So, why are you still single?”

“I don’t know — It’s not really something I think about. I’d be open to dating if I met a guy I sparked with, but I suppose I’ve been single for so long because until I actually meet a guy like that, I’m not going to go out searching for a relationship.”

In truth, I did know the answer to that question, and I did think about it. A lot, thanks to nosy people. I’d responded without really thinking because that had to have been the tenth time I’d been asked that question this month.

“Well, what exactly do you look for in a guy?”

Now that question I wasn’t prepared for. And it’s surprising, actually – of all the times I’d been asked about being single and of all the times I’ve pondered that very question in my own solitude, I’d never thought to qualify exactly what it is I want in a guy, or in a relationship. Without time to really think of my answer, I rattled off some usual things, like smart and funny and has some drive, to which I got “Your standards are too high. Relationships aren’t like Disney movies.”

And though this would go on to be only a small portion of the conversation that evening, I’ve been thinking about that exchange ever since.

Are my standards to high? I mean, I never really saw myself as having “standards.” Sure, we all have those things that draw us to a person, things that we consider “must haves” for a relationship to work. But I’ve always viewed “standards” as something physical. And, besides having a penis, I can’t think of any specific physical trait that a guy must have for me to want to date them.

It took me a few days, but I actually laid out exactly what it is I want out of a relationship for the first time. Make fun, or not.

 

–He has to be able to talk
This is the big one. And, really, it should go without saying, but you’d be surprised. I’m a mouthy person, I have an opinion about anything and everything, and if I don’t know enough about a pertinent subject to talk about it, believe that I will ask a ton of questions and by the next time you see me I’ll have wikipedia’d that shit. And I don’t do awkward silence. I believe that a person’s ability to speak is a good measure of their general passion, and nothing turns me on in a guy more than being able to convey passion, or even just a vague interest, with spoken language.

–He has to be intellectual
This goes along with the “talking” thing, because ultimately even though being able to talk in itself is awesome, actually having a point would be kind of nice, too. And note: “intellectual” doesn’t mean “college-educated.” Those two things aren’t mutually dependent. Maybe I’m snobbier than I thought, but the person for me will have to, you know, ­read books. Occasionally. I want a guy who not only has an opinion, but can intelligently argue it. Because I love a good debate.  I want a guy who watches CNN or reads a news blog (or, hell, even the paper) so that he has a general sense of what’s going on in the world. Because if it’s May 22^nd and I make a joke about how I spent all of May 21^st naked in preparation for the Rapture, and your response is “What’s a rapture?” It’s probably not going to work. I’m not in a relationship for a student-teacher experience.

 

–He has to have his own life, and have the confidence to let me have mine
I’m on the lookout for someone I can spend my life with …but not literally spend my life with. I have interests, and hobbies, and friends, and all of these things are important to me. And because all of these things are important to me and exclusively mine, any guy I’d date would have to understand that he isn’t going to seamlessly fit into all of it. Likewise, I want a guy who has his own thing going, and maintains that regardless of whether or not he’s in a relationship. A guy who can say, “Hey babe, I kinda have this thing that I’m doing with my friends, but I’ll call you tomorrow, alright?” and not feel like he’s doing something wrong. Because he’s not. Separate but together is how I’ve always viewed the perfect relationship for me. Because I can say from experience that being with a guy who is literally counting down the minutes until he sees you again sounds good on paper (Stephanie Meyer’s paper), but gets old fast in reality. And God help the man who dares try to come between me and my friends. I’m not the kind of person who treats friends as nothing but placeholders to be dropped when a boyfriend comes along, and I couldn’t respect the guy who was willing to do that to his friends, even for my sake.

 

–He has to have a plan
He doesn’t have to make a lot of money. He doesn’t have to be decorated in any major way, nor does he have to any lofty goals. But the guy for me will have something. Something specific that he’s passionate about. A goal for his life. Even if it’s something as random as wanting to build the world’s tallest house of cards, he has to have something that keeps him from just sitting on the couch all day. This goes along with the passion that I’ve emphasized is so important to me. One of the sexiest traits a person can display is passion. For anything. And nothing gives me a boner quicker than watching a guy doing something he loves to do.

–He has to understand that I far prefer the simple pleasures
The guy for me will understand that I don’t really have a preference for “the finer things.” Sure, I like to try new things, but I’m really a simple boy at heart.  The guy who gets me will understand that, every so often, the best way to my heart isn’t a trip somewhere or reservations to some restaurant where I have to dress up. Just maybe a walk, or some park. Something that pulls me out of the monotony of daily life. Hell, just a bottle of wine and a joint rolled for two would make me feel all kinds of special.

…that’s if I smoked joints.

…which I totally don’t.

–He has to have balls
I can be very argumentative and emotional in a conflict. In fact, I always tend to come off as more upset than I actually am. I’ve always known this about myself. It’s something I’ve been working on to a certain degree, but a lot of it is just part of who I am. And it usually has to do with the fact that it takes a lot of confidence in being right before I argue with someone in the first place. So any guy who ends up with me has to have the guts to stand up to me. Nothing disappoints me more than a guy who backs down. Have the balls to know not only when to take me seriously, but to know when you have a point and don’t be afraid to tell emotional ol’ me to “shut the fuck up so I can get a word in edgewise.” Because I always come to my senses eventually, and when I do I’ll respect you more for holding your own.

 

And that’s it. This is really the first time I’ve listed exactly what it is I want out of a relationship. Maybe it’s too much. Maybe my standards are too high, but it’s what I want. I honestly don’t see how I could relate to a guy without these things.

This rubric also explains why I plan on being single for a bit longer. But that’s for another blog entry.